Artemis Fowl's Only Practical Joke
by aethre
Summary: Artemis plays a little joke on our dear Captain... And the Captain gets her revenge, and something else she didn't bargain for. Not AH
1. Artemis' Joke

A/N: Okay, I know I put this up before, but maybe this time nobody will ban it.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any characters from Artemis Fowl.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
Artemis grinned after he hung up the phone. Soon Captain Holly Short of the LEPrecon would be here!  
  
"Why are you inviting Captain Short over for dinner, Master Fowl?" Butler asked.  
  
"You shall soon find out, Butler. Meanwhile, please inform Juliet that we are expecting company for dinner," Artemis said, then left for his rooms.  
  
"Alright, Master Fowl."  
  
*1/2 Hour Later*  
  
The doorbell rang.  
  
"Come in Captain Short," Artemis said over the intercom. Holly shrugged and opened the door, "you know where the dinning room is."  
  
"Duh, I was held captive here if you don't remember!" Holly said, sarcastically, 'I wonder why he has invited me to dinner?' Holly walked through the manor and eventually, after taking a few wrong turns and blushing every time. She knew that he was watching and laughing at her mistakes, she arrived at the dinning room door. Holly frowned. There is no way that mud-men doorknobs are that far up. She remembered that the last time she was at the Fowl Manor the doorknobs were level with her head. Shrugging, Holly reached up for the doorknob. She couldn't reach.  
  
"What? Even mud-men doorknobs aren't that high!" Holly said. She jumped in an attempt to open the troublesome door. Her fingers grazed the gold but did not turn. Holly jumped again and still couldn't reach, "D'Arvit! Why can't I reach?"  
  
*ten minutes later*  
  
"D'Arvit! D'Arvit! D'ARVIT!!" Holly swore. Why couldn't she reach the doorknob? "I am not asking for help!" Looking around the room she saw a table. Grinning, Holly walked over to it and dragged it across the floor towards the door. She stood on the table Holly could reach the doorknob, "Yes!!" Holly turned the doorknob, twisted it and pushed the door in. It wouldn't budge, "D'Arvit!" The door had to be pulled to open which Holly couldn't do because the table was in the way, "How am I supposed to get in now?" The doorknob twisted beneath Holly's hand. She jumped, then realized that someone was trying to get out of the dinning room, "D'Arvit!" Holly moved the table back to what she thought was its original spot. The door opened and Artemis walked out.  
  
"Having trouble Captain Short?" Artemis asked innocently.  
  
"You did this?" Holly asked.  
  
"What are you talking about," Artemis said, trying not to laugh.  
  
"The fact that the doorknob is out of my reach!" Holly shrieked. Artemis doubled over in laughter. Holly glared at him and stormed out of the Manor.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
A/N: Yes, door knobs are about three feet high and I need to know some sorta revenge Holly could get on Artemis. I can't think of anything. See yah,  
  
Mage Kitty ^^ 


	2. Holly's Revenge

**A/N:  **Well, since I have been on FF.Net for a year now (I joined February 30th, 2002), I decided to actually update this fic.  Gasp, shock, amazing, I know.  Also, I finally got inspiration.  Okay, I have no idea what is going on.  All I have is the first sentence in my head.  Oh well, that is more than usual!  Also, this is all pre-TEC, blah blah blah...

**Disclaimer:  **I do not own Holly, Artemis (Feels weird typing in Artemis.  Usually I type in Root next...  been writing too much of Foaly's Carrot...  Mmmm...  Holly/Root fics ^^), Foaly and whomever I add to this fic.  At least, I think Foaly's gonna be in it...

*~*~*~*~*

            Captain Holly Rose Short paced violently back and forth in her tiny office.  One, two, three, four, five, turn.  One, two, three, four, five, turn.  One, two, three, four, five, turn.  And that was walking diagonally across the office, _Damn that Mud-Boy.  Damn damn damn him.  Stupid archaic doorknobs, stupid mansion, stupid, stupid everything.  What can I do to accomplish Ultimate Revenge?_

            "Having a little problem, aren't we Holly?" Foaly asked the fuming Captain, "Something to do with our little Mud-Boy friend," It was a statement, not a question.

            "Cocky little centaur, ain'tcha?" Holly snarled rudely.

            "Yup.  Fowl."

            "I need to accomplish Ultimate Revenge," Holly continued pacing.  One, two, three, four, five, turn.

            "What are you trying to do?  Burn calories?" Foaly asked.

            "Ha ha Foaly.  You know very well that I'm not paid enough to gain any weight," One, two, three, four, five, turn.

            "Ask for a raise," was Foaly's response.

            "For the seventy seventh time?  Foaly, I'm beginning to be treated like Grub Kelp," Holly informed him.

            "Ah yes, Complaint Boy and Raise Girl," Foaly smiled whimsically.

            "Is that what they call me?" Holly asked, not very interested.

            "Well...  That's the, er, _polite way to put it," Foaly shifted his weight._

            "I suppose its Raise Bitch or something," Holly continued pacing.

            "Raise Whore."

            "What?  I haven't had sex for dec- er..." Holly faltered in her pacing.

            "What?  You haven't got laid for decades?" Foaly asked incredulously.

            "When was the last time _you _got laid, Foaly?" Holly asked.

            "Well...  Now that I think about it..." Foaly trailed off.

            "Centuries, huh?" Holly smirked.

            "I've been busy!" Foaly complained.

            "Sure pony-boy, sure," Holly smiled and nodded.

            "Oh yeah?  Why haven't you've been laid?" Foaly asked.

            "Let's see here.  Two decades ago, my father was killed.  After that, work was really hectic.  Then I got kidnapped.  And I haven't had a boyfriend in, er, a loooong time," Holly summed it up, "And on top of it all, I really don't have this weird urge to have sex at least once a month."

            "Women."

            "Whatever."

            There was a momentary lapse in the conversation; both bored with the topic of their sex lives.  It wasn't very high on either of their priority lists, anyway.

            "So.  What are you going to do about the Mud-Slime?" Foaly asked.

            "I think I have the Perfect Idea for Ultimate Revenge," Holly smirked.

            "Why do I get the feeling that perfect, idea, ultimate and revenge have capitals in them?" Foaly wondered.

            "Because they do," Holly stopped pacing and sat down at her desk.  Foaly finally had enough space to walk into the office and close the door.

            "You do realise that a ton of fairies probably heard our conversation, do you?" Holly asked Foaly.

            "Uh.  Shit?" Foaly asked.

            "I don't care."

            "Get on with the plan," Foaly rolled his eyes.

            "Sure thing."

            And this is where the author has to stop and think about what the plan _is.  Of course, the very cliché Jeopardy music begins to play._

            "Do I hear the Jeopardy song?" Holly asked.

            "Yes.  The author doesn't know what's going to happen," Foaly sighed.

            "Shut up.  I'm working on it," A cat eared and tailed human joined the group.

            "Okay, now there is so not enough space for everyone," Holly groaned.

            "Fine then.  I'll kill Foaly off," the author shrugged.

            "And how are you going to do that?" Foaly asked, trying to get a look at the teenaged girl.

            "Um...  How about...  This?" the author cocked her head and bit her lip.  Briar Cudgeon appeared in the room.

            "Okay, that was sooo uncreative and cliché there, author," Holly sighed.

            "And we can't move at all anymore.  How do you think Cudgeon is going to kill me?" Foaly asked.

            "Er..."

            "We're doomed.  We're stuck in a fic with an author who has no idea what's going to happen next," Holly sighed and buried her face in her hands.

            "Fine then.  I'll get rid of Cudgeon," the author grumbled.  Once again she bit her lip and Cudgeon disappeared.

            "Well, now there is room to breathe..." Foaly shifted his weight to a more comfortable position.

            "Hmmm.  How about a virus?" the author wondered.

            "A virus?" Holly asked.

            "What?  That's what I'm taking in Science at the moment.  We're watching this movie called 'Outbreak'," the author blandly stated.

            "Do you have any creativity?" Holly asked.

            "Let me think about that.  No," for no reason, the author pops out.  She returns several minutes later with a cookie in her mouth, "yum."

            "Have you thought of an Idea for Ultimate Revenge yet?" Holly asked.

            "No, why don't you?"

            "I'm a figment of your imagination," Holly sighed.

            "No, not _my _imagination.  Eoin Colfer's.  I'm just ste- er, borrowing you," the author shrugged.

            "Why don't you phone your friends?  They might have an idea," Foaly offered.

            "Do you really want a pyro and a dragon in here as well?" the author asked.

            "Never mind."

            "Besides, they're useless," the author shrugged, "Now, onto the virus.  Hmmm..."

            "Just, whatever you do, don't use the virus from 'Outbreak'," Holly cautioned.

            "Of course not.  Then we would all die, die, DIE!" the author cackled, "MWHAHAHA!" The author attempted jump around, but tripped over Foaly's hooves.  Since the office was barely five feet by five feet, the author would have whacked her head on the wall anyway she fell.  The result was that she fell unconscious.

            "Well, I will be living for awhile," Foaly smiled.

            "Maybe we should think up Ultimate Revenge before she wakes up.  Who knows _what _she would come up with," Holly mused.

            "Good Idea," Foaly said, "Damn author and her capitals."

            "Well, Fowl is obsessed with his computers, right?" Holly asked rhetorically.

            "Do Swear Toads swear?" Foaly asked.

            "Yes, and it was a rhetorical question," Holly sighed.

            "I knew that," Foaly shifted his eyes.

            "Do you think that you could crash all of his computers and power.  Get rid of that generator, too.  Essentially, I want him trapped in the Fowl Manor with nothing to do," Holly smirked.

            "Do Swear Toads swear?" Foaly asked.

            "Quit using that metaphor," Holly sighed.

            "I don't think it's a metaphor," Foaly scratched his chin.

            "I'm a LEP officer, not a Gnommish teacher," Holly moaned, "What are we going to do with her?" Holly pointed to the author.

            "Leave her there."

            "I don't like that Idea...  Damn capitals," Holly groaned.

            "Oh, what harm could she do?" Foaly asked.

            "She's a teenaged girl who lost her weekend because her mother decided that it is a good Idea for her to do her Science Fair two weeks early," Holly said.

            "How do you know that?" Foaly asked.

            "I know these things..." Holly said mysteriously.

            "Reeeeaaallly," Foaly drawled.

            "Actually, it says so right here," Holly said.

            "Right where?" Foaly asked.

            "Can't you read it?" Holly asked

            "Er, no..." Foaly said.

            "Well then..." Holly said, "Off to the Ops Booth we go!"

            "Heh heh heeeh," Foaly snickered to himself.

            "That.  Was.  Creepy.  Never to it again Foaly," Holly said.

            "Whatever," Foaly shrugged.  They left Holly's office, leaving the unconscious author behind.

*~*~*~*~* **One Hour Later ***~*~*~*~*

            "Fowl is now without anything for one day," Foaly said.

            "BWHAHAHAHA!" Holly cackled evilly.  Foaly looked at her oddly.

            "What?  I had an urge to cackle evilly.  I think the situation called for it," Holly shrugged.

            "You do realise that we'll lose our jobs for doing this if anyone finds out, right?" Foaly asked.

            "We're in a FanFic.  That sorta thing never happens.  Besides, I'm the author's favourite character; she'd never let me get fired," Holly smiled.

            "HOLLY ROSE SHORT!  FOALY-" an unexplained train goes by, drowning out Foaly's last name, "YOU ARE BOTH FIRED FOR FOWL'S LOSS OF ELECTRICITY!" Root roared.

            "Uh, author lady?  Uh, a little help here?" Foaly asked weakly.

*~*~*~*~* Flash to Holly's office *~*~*~*~*

            Author lady lying on the ground, still dead.

*~*~*~*~* Back to Ops Booth *~*~*~*~*

            "NO AUTHOR CAN SAVE YOU NOW!  MWHAHAHAHA!" Root cackled evilly.  Holly and Foaly looked at him.

            "What?  I think the situation called for it," Root shrugged.

            Foaly sighs and says, "You are both crazy."

            "What?" Root asked.

            "The evil cackling thing.  You both do it," Foaly rolled his eyes.  Holly looked at Root, Root looked at Holly.

            "Oh Frond.  I think the author woke back up," Foaly grumbled, remembering that she loooooves Holly/Root fics.

            "I have no idea what you are talking about, Foaly," the author said innocently, "Now kiss, damnit!" she swore at Holly and Root.

            "Yes Supreme Author Lady," Holly and Root said and did exactly what the author lady said.  They kissed.

            "BWHAHAHAHA!" The author lady cackled evilly.

*~*~*~*~* Meanwhile, at Fowl Manor. I wasted seven pages about nothing *~*~*~*~*

            "BUTLER!  BUTLER!  WHAT HAS HAPPENED!  THE WORLD HAS COME TO AN END!  AHHHH!  HELP!  HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEE!" Artemis screamed frantically in the dark.

            "MASTER ARTEMIS!  WHERE – OWWWW!  ARE YOU?" Butler stumbled through the dark.

            "IN THE COMPUTER ROOM!  THE COMPUTERS ARE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWN!  I'M GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!" Artemis sobbed.

            "You'll be fine Artemis," After much running into random objects, Butler made it to the computer room.

            "Artemis?  Are you alright?" Butler asked.

            "HOW COULD I BE ALRIGHT!  THE COMPUTERS ARE DOWN!" Butler couldn't see Artemis anywhere until Juliet walked in with a flashlight.  Artemis was curled up in a ball in the middle of the floor.

            "Artemis!" The Butlers yelled and ran over to him.

            "Who did this?" Juliet wondered.  With those words, one of the computer's monitors turned on.  It displayed the message:

Ha Ha Mud-Slime!

            ~ Foaly and Capt. Short

            "Foaly and Captain Short did this?" Juliet asked.

            "Obviously," Butler said.  Artemis still remained on the floor, which was where he stayed until the power came back on.

*~*~*~*~* Back to the Fairies (I don't like Artemis, okay?) *~*~*~*~*

            "So I take it I'm not fired no more?" Holly asked, sitting on Root's desk.

            "Of course not, Holly," Root smiled at her.

            "Good," Holly leaned forward to kiss him.

            "SQUEE!" the author lady, er, squeed in the Ops Booth.

            "Urk," Foaly moaned and leaned over and threw up again.

            "I looooooooooooove Holly/Root!"

*~*~*~*~*

**A/N:  **Well, that was...  Odd...  Not particularly funny, but still...  I wonder when I'm going to post this?  Probably Tuesday December 2, 2003...  At school.  Like I tend to do often...  Well, I better get a computer who's A Drive works...

            _~ Mage Kitty =^.^=___


End file.
